So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
