when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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