It's Friday. Sex?
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize
