she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
