When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
