eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
