No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
