ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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