I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I intend to get homeless drunk
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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