I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
