On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
