We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
