I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
