Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Randomize
