arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
