god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
