I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
