I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
