Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Randomize
