I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
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