I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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