I showed him my bush... on skype.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
