In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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