i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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