I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I wannas sexs uuuuu
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Never joke about your clitoris.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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