Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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