If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
