Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
