We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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