why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
