where does the pee come out of this thing
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
