A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
