she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
