The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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