I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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