I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
