She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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