I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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