screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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