Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
