Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
