I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
