drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
