u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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