My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
