You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
