There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I currently don't understand fingers.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
