2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
