____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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