Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
