dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
