When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
