So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
